TonyLombard

How To Speak Hip ‘Harold Night’ » Shows » Riot Act Comedy Theater

2012-01-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

How To Speak Hip ‘Harold Night’ » Shows » Riot Act Comedy Theater

Upcoming show of interest

2012-01-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

Improvisation hits the stage this Sunday:

Harold Night at the beautiful Riot Act Comedy Club in downtown Washington DC

Upcoming show

2011-11-08T04:34:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, I wanted to let you know that the information about the November 23, 2011 Annual Thanksgiving Eve DICSC Show is officially online: Annual Thanksgiving Eve DISC show

Walter Reed Hospital is closing down

2011-07-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

    After a three year-plus run, our last comedy show at the Mologne House on the campus of Walter Reed hospital was performed this week. I ended the show sharing the reason I took on the responsibility to produce the show after it was offered to me by a veteran on the patio of a Starbucks in Northwest Washington DC one Saturday afternoon.
    It starts with my dad who use to tell me that I came from a military family, though a unique one. My family lived on the same family farm for generations. The farm was located on a piece of territory that today borders the Italian and Croatian (formerly Yugoslavian) border. Before World War I, the land was part of the Austrian-Hungarian empire, and my great-grandfather was drafted into the Austrian-Hungarian army. After World War I, the land became part of Italy, and my grandfather was drafted into the Italian army. After World War II, the land became part of Yugoslavia, and my father was drafted into the Yugoslavian army.
    Since my parents, who were of Italian descent, were being persecuted by the Yugoslavian government (were not allowed to go to school, were forced to change the family name to a Yugoslavian version, etc.), the United States gave my parents refugee status, and allowed them to move to the United States, where my older brother would eventually volunteer to join the United States Navy.
    So my father use to say, that we have four generations of military men in the family, but the one that volunteered was the only one who made a difference.
    The purpose of the comedy show that we performed each month at the Mologne House was to show the Wounded Warriors and their families that they do make a difference.

    PS Many thanks to the musicians and comedians who volunteered to grace our small stage over the three plus years. Special thanks to my co-producer and show host, Haywood Turnipseed Jr., without whose help the show would not have happened.

Blogging from iGoogle and Gmail

2011-07-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

Blogging from iGoogle and Gmail

Today

2011-07-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

Big love to my friends at Safeway for a great shopping trip today. And a whole bunch of snaps to the hip people of Georgetown for the warm reception when I got off of the Foggy Bottom bus. Who needs a Metro stop with a welcome like that? Tonight, looking forward to working with my peeps at Z burger on a cooked to order Turkey Burger. Those guys know how to bring it when it comes to tasty food. I love my Sundays!

Bad Apples?

2011-07-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

I recently purchased a refurbished Apple PC. I unchained myself from the shackles of owning a car so that I could make purchases like this. The drawback is that I'm limited to performing comedy shows in Washington DC, because I only have metro available to me to travel to and from shows, but my Internet presence will sky rocket.

Rock Creek Park

2011-07-20T07:55:00.000-07:00

It's official, the trail that starts outside my building can theoretically lead me through Rock Creek Park, down to the C&O Canal,through Marylnd, West Virginia, and then to Pittsburgh. Personally, I have only reached as far as the Canal, about a two and a half mile walk/jog, but it is good to know that I have that option if I wanted to take it.

Ordering out, eating in

2011-07-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

Last night, we didn't feel like cooking, so we ordered out and brought home dinner from Chipotle. The vegetarian salad was quite tasty, and hot! And quite filling too. You get a lot of food for the price.
And there is a sign in the restaurant that says that their chickens are not fed animal by products. You mean chickens at other restaurants are fed animal byproducts? What kind of animal byproducts? Why would anyone want to feed a chicken an animal by product?

The Mologne House Comedy Show

2011-07-16T21:01:00.001-07:00

Thanks to all the comics who came down to perform at our Walter Reed comedy show this week: Russ Green, Pat Riley, Jon Cooper, Todd Luongo,Vic Christian and Katherine Jessup. We entertained the Wounded Warriors and their families, and then marveled at their amazing stories after the show. And special thanks to the The Wayne Man, Wayne Manigo, who booked the comics for the show.

Near misses

2011-07-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

So the other day, on the way home from a comedy show, me and another comic were waiting at a light, when a flatbed, taking a left from the other direction, started coming straight towards us head first. The news story was going through my head, "comics die doing what they love.". But he stopped just in time, and I made it home safely. I will need to continue to find good ways to get good press coverage, and in a way that I would enjoy.

Dinner for when it's hot

2011-07-13T05:32:00.001-07:00

It was too hot to eat last night. We decided to combined a bag of vegetables with a box of vegetables, and some veggie burgers, with a lot of liquids. Forgot to set the alarm for this morning, but still woke up on time, because I have a cat on a very strict schedule that needs to be fed at the same time each morning, and will do all he can to wake you up to make sure I keep to his schedule.

Pizza night

2011-07-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

Last night was pizza night in my household. We bought frozen pizza from Giant, I believe it was Kashmi? Brand. Roasted Vegetable, with a lot of fiber and protein, and we added a box of frozen vegetables and a few slices of cheese on top to add more flavor and nutrients. Finished things off with a bowl of cereal for dessert.

Breakfast

2011-07-11T05:32:00.001-07:00

This morning, I had two bananas and a cup of yogurt for breakfast. Along with my usual vitamins and St. Joseph aspirin. And a glass of grape juice, don't want to forget that.

Comedy show tonight

2011-06-29T15:44:00.000-07:00

The audience at our monthly comedy shows at Walter Reed have been getting smaller. What great news!

the PIT

2011-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

I attended a great improv class taught by Chris Shockwave Sullivan at the PIT a few weeks back. It was only a two day, weekend class. I wish it could have been 8 weeks, I would like to have performed a show with his beatbox principles, and seen what it looked like. I can't rhyme, but I can bust a few silly lines here and there.

Whale fur

2011-06-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

Whale Fur had a great improv show at Bloombars last night. But hey, I would say that even if we had a mediocre show.

I learned one thing, it is possible for someone to improvise with a partially numb right arm.

And surprise, surprise, but I was the one who broke the no swearing rule when I mumbled "s**t".

PS you can use a metro bus with a negative balance, as long as you start with a positive balance when you get on the bus. If only credit cards worked the same way.

Sun and snow

2011-06-10T05:39:00.001-07:00

Walking to school
Walking through the Alps
Like Alexander did so many years ago
But the toughest test
Was getting to school
And bending over
Only to get a snow ball
On the behind

NBA Finals

2011-06-09T14:55:00.001-07:00

There's only one thing left to do, in order for Miami to lose, I need to jinx them by saying they will win the NBA Finals. So here it is, Miami will win the NBA Finals.

Names

2011-06-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine came up with a great improv troupe name yesterday: Naked Wine Party

Wheaton

2011-06-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

The highlight of Tony's college track career
Some may say
Was the two consecutive wins in the steeplechase
At the Wheaton College Track relays.
Some may say
Because there were only three participants in each race
None of whom could jump as high
Or as far as Tony.
A trait that he holds to this day.

Improvisation: hard science versus soft science

2011-06-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

From my observations, there seems to be two schools of thought when it comes to comedy improv. The soft science folks, who are all about honesty, and the hard science folks, who are all about game playing. I believe the "yes and" folks are on the soft science side, and the "find your deal" or "look for the game" folks are on the hard science side. The one thing they have in common is commitment.

NC College

2011-06-06T05:38:00.000-07:00

NC College was always the last meet of the year
It was always a Friday night
Beautiful spring weather
Fast track
They keep the lights on
It was the last meet of the year
And for the careers of the seniors
Freshman year, RE invited me over to a local beer garden for one final drink
My senior year, I did the same with PF

This weekend

2011-06-02T05:36:00.000-07:00

Ali Farahnakian of the PIT theater in New York is in Washington DC this weekend to teach some classes at the DC Improv

Happy Memorial Day

2011-05-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

A great day to honor the sacrifices of those who have lost their lives in service of our country.

Sitting here on Connecticut Avenue, watching Rolling Thunder drive on by.

Da Bulls

2011-05-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

We saw the Heat beat the Bulls last night. The Bulls remind me of the Cavaliers of a few years back, when LaBron James took the Cavaliers to the NBA Finals, and were beaten by the Spurs. That team was made up of James and the rest of the team, kinda like the Bulls are now. The question is whether the Bulls can add the pieces around Derrick Rose to take the next step. Can they pick up another diamond in the rough like Taj Gibson, which would allow them to make a deal for another rotation player? Will Rashual Butler come in next year and show that he can shoot jumpers over people? Can they draft a foreign player in the later round that will come to the States in a couple of years and blossom, like a Toni Kukoc? We will see if John Paxson can continue his string of good scouting and pick up the right pieces.

Mologne House show

2011-05-27T15:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Amber Dutton (on guitar), Katherine Jessup, Erin Jackson (Standup comedians), and the Host, Haywood Turnipseed (also standup comedian) for coming out on Wednesday for our monthly show at Walter Reed hospital. As always, the Wounded Warriors shared more with us then we did with them. True American Heroes.

Awesome Thursdays at RFD in Chinatown

2011-05-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

RFD in Chinatown in Washington DC is having an Awesome Thursday comedy show this Thursday at 8:00pm.

810 7th street NW

A great comedy show this friday

2011-05-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

MC Slimm Slappy
At the Comedy Lounge in Washington DC.

Graham performed at our last comedy show at Walter Reed hospital

2011-05-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

Graham Currin

Check him out when you get a chance.

Comedy show at the DC Improv Comedy lounge

2011-05-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

MC Slimm Slappy has agreed to make his first Washington DC appearance at the world famous DC Improv Comedy Lounge:

http://www.symfonee.com/improv/dc/comedians/Bio.aspx?Uid=e17c35e1-c8cd-49b1-861f-f6dd7b2cb9c2

And he promises to be sober this time.

Albert Haynesworth Song Parody

2011-05-05T18:37:00.001-07:00

Matt Kazam has done it again:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K71qILjptrY

Billable Hours

2011-05-05T18:14:00.001-07:00

These guys won't sell my joke book, but I will still promote them:

http://www.thebillablehour.com/

For all of your attorney gifting needs.

Whale Fur

2011-05-05T18:02:00.001-07:00

Whale Fur performs at the Comedy Spot in Ballston 10pm this Saturday May 7th! It will be a night full of snickers, snorts, laughs, and a outright knee-slappers.

Details:
THE COMEDY SPOT
Ballston Common Mall
4238 Wilson Blvd
Arlington, VA 22203
2 blocks south of the Ballston/MU metro stop on the orange line
7 0 3 . 2 9 4 . L A F F info@comedyindc.com

Ragtimes tomorrow, comedy show

2011-05-02T19:39:00.000-07:00

The show is at 8. Ragtime is in Arlington. specifically located at 1345 North Courthouse Road, Arlington VA, 22201, just a few blocks south of the Courthouse metro.

Headlining is Erin Jackson, opening is Katherine Jessup.

Call me Zelig

2011-05-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

I participated in the gathering in front of the White House last night. Along with the Keep Fear Alive March, that makes it two historical events that I have participated in within the last year. I'm like a historical event ninja, you'll never know when I will show up.

Comedy CD

2011-04-30T16:15:00.000-07:00

My goal for the next year is to record a comedy CD that gets sold at the cashier counter of Starbucks across the country. Just need that one big break.

Deep Blue

2011-04-30T16:07:00.001-07:00

I challenge IBM to develop a version of Deep Blue that can improvise better than me.

NBA playoffs

2011-04-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

I don't want to jinx anyone, because the Thunder and Bulls have yet to prove themselves in the playoffs, but I think that this is a changing of the guard season in the NBA, and the Thunder and Bulls will meet in the Finals.

Atlanta vs Orlando

2011-04-25T05:43:00.000-07:00

Atlanta has six centers listed on their roster, all of whom committed a total of fourteen fouls against Dwight Howard yesterday. One of their centers is an all star, and the other five are very competent, with two of them having NBA finals experience, and the others having started at various points of their career. It's almost as if this team was built to take on the Magic.

Comedy show

2011-04-22T05:35:00.000-07:00

RFD on 810 seventh street in DC near the Verizon Center in Chinatown has a great Thursday night comedy show, if you are ever in the area. The host, Ralph Cooper, runs a tight room, and it shows, because many of the most talented local comics show up to perform. And the appetizers aren't bad either.

Flag a flying

2011-04-21T05:14:00.001-07:00

There is a house flying a confederate flag across the street from CIA headquarters. I applaud his sense of irony.

The Roman Empire

2011-04-02T21:18:00.000-07:00

I heard that they are negotiating who will take over the NATO mission in Libya. I would like to volunteer the Italian army. We haven't won a war since the Roman Empire, but I really think that we could win this one, with enough air support.

Russia

2011-04-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading my weekly Russia Now section in the Washington Post. It's good to know that in spite of the fact that so many Russian journalists have been murdered in the line of duty, there are still some brave enough to write about what is going on within Russia.

Bball

2011-03-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

When you see Butler in the Final Four, San Antonio leading the Western conference, and Chicago leading the Eastern conference, you know all is right with the world of basketball.

Improv group names

2011-03-05T20:16:00.001-08:00

When compared to Rock Bands, Improv Groups seem to come up with lame names. Why is that?

Dictatorships

2011-02-27T07:29:00.000-08:00

I can't believe how long these Mideast dictators have been in power. 30, 40 years each. Where have I been. I have counterparts in these countries who have never had the opportunity to freely attend a polling station and vote for judgeships and state senators based solely on the ethnicity of their last names.

An Acai bowl costs $6...

2011-02-19T11:28:00.000-08:00

Small price to pay for antioxidants?

What do you know

2011-02-18T05:34:00.000-08:00

All those billions spent on peace and war in the middle east, and all it took was for one guy to set him himself on fire in Tunisia to knock down two governments (and counting).

Shut up!

2011-01-29T18:14:00.000-08:00

Are you looking for something to do this Wednesday night? Would the thought of me making a total fool of myself in front of a live audience fill you with exuberant joy? Then come watch me and other people perform in the DICSC Show at DC Improv on Feb 2.

http://www.dcimprov.com/comics/5

Word of warning

2011-01-24T15:31:00.000-08:00

If you sit next to me in a coffee house, and ask me to watch your stuff while you get up to go to the washroom, word of warning, I probably will not watch your stuff, even if I agree to watch your stuff. Someone could come by and take your bag, and I wouldn't even notice.

Show

2011-01-23T00:18:00.000-08:00

fun show is happening at the Washington DC Improv:

http://www.dcimprov.com/comics/

Of course, you can only get in if you buy a ticket.
Improv is an art form that still confirms to the law of economics.
if you accept the invite, but do not have the money to buy a ticket, you can stand outside and smoke a cigarette, and I will run outside every fifteen minutes and give you an update.

Platforms that support other platforms

2011-01-23T00:09:00.000-08:00

I was sitting around Bruno's the other day, discussing politics with my buddies, when the topic of "why so many low and middle income citizens support Conservative Republican platforms that are geared toward enslaving the low and middle income citizen" came up. Many Conservative Republicans want to eliminate government subsidies that help low and middle income citizens pay for their medical expenses (healthcare reform) and own property (the GSEs). Without these programs, many low and middle income citizens would need to turn to other sources of income, such as military service, to support their families. So it is almost like the Conservative Republican platforms are indirectly supporting their main platform, which is a strong military. But the people who are most directly impacted by these platforms don't seem to mind. They go along with tax breaks for the upper class, and limited government subsidies. I guess as long as people have cable television, everybody will be happy.

Office X games

2011-01-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things that you can do to make office work more exciting. For instance, what I do sometimes is print my electronic paycheck, and then run to the printer to see if I can get it before anyone else picks it up by mistake.

Recommended Radio Show

2011-01-08T16:36:00.001-08:00

Here's a highly recommended radio show. Please listen if you have free time:

http://mariyaalexander.libsyn.com/

PT vs MD

2011-01-07T05:49:00.000-08:00

Psychiatry and psychiatrists seem to play a big part of the comedic profession. You hear quite a few comics here and there making jokes about their psychiatric visits. I've gone in a different direction, in that I have a Personal Trainer instead of a psychiatrist. The way I look at it, they both have advanced degrees, they both listen to your problems, and they both leave you feeling better about yourself. Except that one does it without prescription medication and for a lot less money. So I think I'm coming out ahead in the deal.

2010 mologne house show

2011-01-06T12:51:00.000-08:00

Our last Mologne House show for 2010 may have been our best yet. Mike Black, Jessica Brodkin, Joe Deeley, Chipp Jones, MC Slimm Slappy, and Haywood all rocked the house, and the Wounded Warriors as usual made us feel at home. Our contract has been extended through 2011. We already have some comics booked, with a highlight being T. Brad Hudson and his team coming down from Baltimore for the February show.

Mathematical Anthropology

2011-01-05T05:14:00.000-08:00

While I was studying anthropology, I tried to develop my own branch called mathematical anthropology. It never took off with my professors, but I still dabble in it at times. I came up with a cultural equation recently. It goes like this: the age of a person is directly proportional to the (the confidence they have in their healthcare professional being dependent on the professional's ethnicity).
With older individuals putting more emphasis on the ethnicity than younger folks.

Last stop

2011-01-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

When approaching the last stop on the D2 line the question (for me at least) is whether I should pull the stop cord. I mean, it is the last stop on the line, shouldn't the assumption be that the bus will stop to let off all of the remaining passengers? Alas, someone always pulls the stop cord, so I've never come to the point where that question is answered. I imagine sometimes, that I am the last passenger on the bus, and as we approach the last stop, my heads get sweaty, and my vision blurs, wondering whether I should pull the stop cord. Should I take the chance? Should I sit in my seat, and simply wait it out? Will he blow off the final stop and keep going, all the way to the bus station? Next day in the Express, "Passenger gets hijacked." "He never pulled the stop cord, how could I stop?, says a bewildered bus driver." It would be a great excuse to miss work, "Sorry, I won't be able to make it in today, I forgot to pull the stop cord, and now I'm on my way to the Tenleytown bus station. Who knows if he'll open for the doors for me when we get to the station, I may have to wait for the cleaning crew to show up tonight."

Cable

2011-01-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

My cousin's cable went out this week. But he noticed that the second floor condo across the street has this giant big screen TV, where the owner watches the game very week with the drapes open. My cousin didn't want to miss "The Game", so he spent today in the condo property parking lot, sitting in a lawn chair, watching the game through the guy's open window. My cousin's wife thinks he's creepy for doing this, but a guy has gotta do what he's gotta do in order to watch, "The Game". Plus, my cousin said the guy's girlfriend was hot.

bus stops

2011-01-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

Once again, while waiting for the Connector bus, I was asked whether I have a lighter. I don't think I look like a smoker, I believe it has to do more with being a male waiting for a bus at a bus stop. I think there is a stereotype that guys at bus stops are smokers.
There is also a superstition among those who use public transportation that the best way to get a bus to come to your bus stop, is by lighting a cigarette.
I'm planning to join the two, the stereotype and the superstition, by making sure, though I am not a smoker, that I always carry a lighter with me whenever I wait for a bus at a bus stop. And, if I am waiting too long, I will have some cigarettes handy, and though I am not a smoker, I plan to light a cigarette to get a bus to come.
Wish me luck.

Language

2010-12-31T09:45:00.000-08:00

I was in the break room, getting a cup of coffee, to help get me through the next meeting, when a couple of male co-workers walked in speaking a foreign language (foreign in the sense that it wasn't English). It sounded Indian, as in the Asian variety, not the Native American, and in the middle of their conversation, I heard one say the word "rogaine", which peaked my curiosity. I couldn't resist, I had to ask what rogaine meant in Indian. So I asked, and one replied, "it's a medicine that you take, to help your hair grow." Oh.

Smoothies

2010-12-31T00:32:00.000-08:00

In my constant effort to bring down my bad cholesterol, I have become enamored with smoothies. The problem with this is the cost. Smoothies are expensive. The compilation of fruit in a smoothie seems to cost more than the total cost of the fruit if purchased individually. I must be paying for the cost of labor to come up with the total cost for the smoothies I purchase at my local Coldstone Creamery or Roobeks.
To get around this, I've come up with a great cost saving measure. It's called the dented can smoothie. I go to the damaged food isle of my local grocery store, and buy the dented cans of fruit that sell for 50 to 75% less than the original price. And then I make my own. I make a Pear Halves Dented Can smoothie, the Sliced Peaches in Light Syrup Dented Can smoothie, and my favorite, the Fruit Cocktail Dented Can smoothie. I might some day open up my own Dented Can Smoothie shop, the DCS Shop for short, where patrons choose their dented cans of fruit, buffet style, and then proceed to the Mixing Station (maybe that would be a better name, "The Mixing Station") where they would mix their own smoothie. These places would become very popular with the homeless community I imagine, for the homeless person looking to eat right on a tight budget, but no outlets to plug in a mixing appliance. Hold it, that's my cell phone, must be a venture capital firm calling me to discuss funding.

The Mologne House

2010-12-30T05:17:00.000-08:00

The show last night at Walter Reed was one of the best of the year. You'll probably find a few pictures from the show posted on Facebook and various blogs. Mike Black, Joe Deeley, Chipp Jones, and Jessica Brodkin rocked the house, along with your Host, Haywood Turnipseed and myself, made for a very entertaining show. And once again, the best lines of the night came from the troops themselves, which I won't be able to repeat here. I'll just say, you had be there.

Celebrities

2010-12-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, what i love about celebrities is that they are always excited, and they are always having fun.

Payoff

2010-12-29T05:31:00.000-08:00

I'm a relatively skinny person, but high cholesterol runs in the family, and my numbers weren't good for my last blood test. Determined to raise my good cholesterol numbers and lower my bad, I spent a year eating right and exercising. I drank my glass of wine each day, ate my walnuts, salmon, and blueberries, joined a club to play basketball and found a weight lifting partner.
I go back to the doctor, had another blood test, and went back for the results. The doctor tells me that my numbers have greatly improved, and that I added a good three to five years to my life. Three to five years? I'm sorry, I was expecting a bigger payoff. I've been working hard at this. I've been avoiding my mom's lasagna, exercising instead of watching, The Game. No more pizza coupons and deliveries. I need to rethink this. I was expecting ten to fifteen years. I don't know if three to five is worth it.

Ode to Woody

2010-12-28T19:06:00.000-08:00

Walking down the street, I nodded, "High," to a girl walking arm in arm with another guy. It was an obnoxious move, which made the guy turn around and punch me in the nose.
I did this move one other time at a Hollywood party to Katie Holmes, and Tom Cruise told one of his body guards to turn around and punch me in the nose.
The first time I did this, was to my high school principal, but he deserved it, because he was making out with my girlfriend, who was my high school sweetheart at the time, so I punched him in the nose.

Dentist appointment

2010-12-28T05:24:00.000-08:00

So I make an appointment with a new dentist, and the receptionist says, "I am scheduled for 4:00, but that I should show up 45 minutes early to fill out my paperwork." Wouldn't that make my appointment 3:15? I see this all the time in the world of business these days. They sound like they are being accommodating when they're not. Like I got an offer for a free phone from AT&T, but then I was charged an $18 dollar activation fee.
So the dentist office sounded like they were being accommodating by giving me a late afternoon appointment, to accommodate my work schedule, but they weren't. Let's just say that it is a 3:15 appointment, OK? Or better yet, make it a 3:00 appointment, since I was planning to be 15 minutes late anyway.

Politics

2010-12-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

Political commentary from Steve the coffeehouse guy, ""Vice" doesn't seem like the most appropriate surname for a President."

Tires

2010-12-26T10:08:00.003-08:00

My cousin needed new tires for his car. His local dealership was offering four tires for the price of two. Unluckily for him, he only needed two.

Mcdonalds

2010-12-26T10:05:00.003-08:00

Tip: never go to a McDonald's with a Help Wanted sign, you will never get good service.

Finance

2010-12-25T21:04:00.000-08:00

The world of finance has it all wrong. When someone in the world of finance approves a loan, they give a higher interest rate to someone with bad credit, and a lower interest rate to someone who has good credit, when it should be the other way around. Giving someone with bad credit a higher interest rate isn't going to make it any easier for them to pay back a loan, whereas with someone with good credit, you have a better chance of getting your money back, regardless of the interest. So if you really want to make money and recoup your loans, give people with bad credit a low interest rate, and give people with good credit a high interest rate. You're welcome world of finance.

Wonder

2010-12-24T10:07:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things I wonder in life, such as, who does the Mexican embassy hire to mow their lawns? Or does the Bearded Lady shave her legs before going on a date? Or why are there no dating groups for young single nonprofessionals?

Last meal

2010-12-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

When my dad was in the hospital for his last few days, he was complaining about the food. So my brother and I went across the street and bought him a roast beef sandwich which we snuck into the hospital for him. We had to sneak it in for him, because he was suffering from stomach cancer, and was on a very restrictive diet. We would have preferred to buy him a meatball sandwich, the kind you would find at Anthony's in the River North neighborhood in Chicago, the kind with a lot of sauce, that requires a package of napkins to keep wiping your mouth before you can finish the sandwich. But being in Boston at the time, a roast beef sandwich was the best we could do. It was fun watching him wiping his mouth of the roast beef sauce and enjoying the sandwich. My dad always was a voracious eater. He passed away the next day, but it was nice giving him a good last meal.

Playground ball

2010-12-24T09:59:00.000-08:00

The brutality of a playground basketball game is directionally proportional to the number of players who are wearing jeans and no t-shirt.

Titanium

2010-12-23T05:29:00.000-08:00

My cousin suffered a neck injury a couple of years ago, and he had a titanium rod inserted to stabilize the neck while it heals. The rod has come loose, and since the fused vertebrae has healed, it's not needed anymore, so he is undergoing an operation to have it removed. And he asked for it back for after the operation, because he thought that it might make a nice piece to have. Maybe put it on the mantelpiece, or melt it into jewelry for his girlfriend, but the doctor will not give it back to him. It's not the hospital policy to give those type of things back to the patient. He had it in his neck for over two years, it practically belongs to him already. Squator rights, you know. What is the hospital going to do with it? Give it to another patient? He deserves to have that titanium given back to him after the operation, he deserves it after carrying it around for three years.

Shareholders

2010-12-22T05:20:00.000-08:00

Hope you are satisfied, you shareholders, both public and individual, for our holiday party this year at VALET, The Very American Parking Lot Enablers of America, we had a POTLUCK! That's right, no more catered affairs where you could go from department to department and get a free meal for a week. We had to cook it and bring it in ourselves. And, no liquor! I had to listen to coworkers' kid soccer game stories while sober! And on top of that, the rumor is a ten percent reduction on administrative expenses for 2011. Layoffs! Hope you're satisfied!

new perfume

2010-12-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Walgreens is marketing a new women's perfume. It's been a favored of husbands as Christmas presents for their wives. It's called Lemon Scent Pledge perfume.

History

2010-12-19T16:42:00.000-08:00

What nation was readmitted to the Arab League after a ten year suspension for being too cozy with Israel? If you said Egypt, you are right. Which proves my point, that the Arab League is much tougher on its members than the NCAA is. Imagine if the NCAA suspended a college for ten years?

Intervening

2010-12-14T05:39:00.000-08:00

Wanted to bring my friend in to take care of his drinking problem after an intervention, and I heard about this social worker at a local hospital who had a great reputation. But this person required his patients to sign a release to promise to stop drinking before he would see them. That's an easy way to get a good reputation. Getting them to stop drinking is half the battle isn't it? If you can get them to stop drinking before they even come in to see you, then I can see how this health care worker developed a reputation to successfully treating his patients. I couldn't get my friend to sign it.

celebrities

2010-12-12T19:37:00.000-08:00

You know what I love about celebrities? They are always excited, and they are always having fun.

The doctor is not in

2010-12-11T23:14:00.000-08:00

I called my doctor to set up an appointment to take a look at my knee. The same knee that the college girl hyperextended on me when she undercut me in the air, and his office was closed. The answering machine told me to call 911 if this was an emergency. Man, do I feel sorry for the person who leaves a message on his doctors machine when there is an emergency.

Walkers

2010-12-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

IN visiting my mother in law in the senior home, I noticed that all of the walkers have tennis balls wedged on the bottom of the legs, to allow them to slide across the floor. Is this what the world has come to? We make our seniors scavenge for old tennis balls so they can make their way to the dining room for breakfast each morning? We can put a man on the moon, but we can't build a better walker?

Shopping

2010-12-10T05:28:00.000-08:00

As everybody knows, I love shopping, grocery shopping that is (that's how I got my job as a grocery store DJ). And the other day, I found myself pushing someone else's grocery cart. But I kept it, because they were buying the same items that I was.

Zipcar

2010-12-09T05:40:00.000-08:00

I like the zip car program. I have become particularly close to a car named Mandy, in one of the local AU lots. She drives quite well. I like her to the point that I get jealous when I see others driving her around town. They don't know how to drive her like I do. Weaving in and out of traffic, fast stops and starts, it's abominable how they treat her. Maybe I can adopt her, once her shelf life at zip car ends. Yes, that's what I'll do, adopt her. I'll need to make a reservation to drive to the zip car offices today.

Drivers

2010-12-05T17:52:00.000-08:00

It's probably just me, but doesn't there seem to be more handicapped drivers than there are handicapped walkers on our city streets? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

New part time job

2010-12-02T05:14:00.000-08:00

Hey, I just got a new part time job as an after model for weight loss commercials! Yeah!

Stitches

2010-12-01T05:30:00.000-08:00

My advice to the president is to buy a mouth guard, before someone knocks out a tooth playing basketball. It's the best investment I ever made, when it comes to playing basketball. I've made other, better investments, such as the tie I bought during my time living in Chicago. But when it comes to basketball, the tie is definitely the best.

Jersey Shore

2010-11-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

Some of my Italian actor friends complain that Jersey Shore promotes stereotypes, which they feel cornered into for the auditions that they are up for. I gave them the same advice that I gave my Hispanic friends who feel cornered into auditioning for roles as Hispanic stereotypes: Milk it for all its worth.

Boston Comedy Festival

2010-11-13T20:26:00.000-08:00

MC Slimm Slappy gets a chance to perform at the Boston Comedy Festival.

Comedy Show Plug

2010-10-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

Comedy Show to Help the Homeless

Giovanni Diviacchi, author of Bring on the Funny: A Businessman’s Joke Book, brings together a group of comics for the benefit of the Help the Homeless Foundation. Your comics for the evening are:

Comedians:
Haywood Turnipseed, Jr.
Michael Shader
Lisa Fine
Mark Matusof

Join Us for the 23rd Annual Help the Homeless Walkathon on Saturday, November 20, 2010, Rain or Shine. The Walkathon starts on the National Mall between 4th and 7th Streets.

The DC Improv Comedy Lounge will be serving food and beverages.

Doors are at 6:30 p.m. Showtime is 8:15 p.m. Tickets are: $10.00

Comedy Show to Help the Homeless

helpthehomelessdc.org

The Comedy Lounge (at the DC Improv)

Address: 1140 Connecticut Ave N.W. DC 20036

Phone: 202.296.7008

Friday, November 5th

Time: 8:15pm

Tickets: $10

never forget — “Reason” is just one letter away from “Treason.”

2010-10-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

The marching orders have been given.

March to Keep Fear Alive

Cable show/Comedy Sickness

2010-09-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Giovanni appears on local cable TV show:

http://www.accessmontgomery.tv/

Look for Comedy Sickness, #4, at around the 40 minute mark.

Rated PG by the Academy of People Who Rate Things.

Traffic

2010-09-20T14:53:00.003-07:00

I heard that in an effort to raise more revenue, the state of Virginia is planning to charge parking fees to cars stuck on the beltway during rush hour. They would make a mint.

Laundry night

2010-09-19T17:26:00.000-07:00

I spent the night doing my laundry again. The price per machine went up to $1.75. I can deal.

Medicine

2010-09-18T06:26:00.001-07:00

Doctors should offer warranties for their work. I find it distressing that my mechanic has more confidence in his work than my doctor does.

stress

2010-09-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

I've come up for the perfect stress reliever for working at home. Throw empty beer cans at your laptop.

election day

2010-09-15T13:25:00.001-07:00

OK, funny story. I grew up in Cicero, which has an even bigger reputation than Chicago when it comes to these things.

And my wife and I first moved to Chicago after getting married, and the voting day was like two weeks after we got married, and I didn't have a chance to register my new address, so I, being the good citizen that I am, traveled with my wife to Cicero, so that I could still vote at my old address, in my old precinct where I grew up. It was an adventure day to show her how old time politics worked.

And my friends in Cicero did not disappoint. We go in, and I give them my name and sign in and then the lady behind the desk turned to my wife and asked her if she was so and so. I was a bit stunned because she used my brother's name, who had moved from Cicero to Boston about 10 years earlier. So they still had him on the voting roll, and they were asking my wife if she wanted to vote as him. I came very close to answering for her to get her to vote for him, but she was too honest, and beat me to the punch and said no.

Vote early, and vote often!

a good story

2010-09-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

So I was walking around the campus of American University last night after having dropped of my wife at her Sunday meeting at the United Methodist Church on New Mexico Avenue, and I notice an opened McDonalds restaurant (or fast food place, however you may want to refer to it).

Feeling a little peckish, I sauntered my way into the store, hoping to pick up a small Vanilla cone or chocolate milkshake to help alleviate the heat we were all feeling in the city of Washington DC on Sunday evening.

I entered the store, to the sounds of unruly young boys, taking their time ordering from the menu and fishing for money from their pockets, all the while loudly joking amongst themselves.

I patiently waited my turn in line, taking in their antics with a smile, looking forward to the time that I could take my cold refreshment and leave the store, leaving them to their own devices.

When it was my turn, I graciously greeted the host who seemed like he wanted to be somewhere else this Sunday evening, anywhere but in the restaurant having to deal with these juveniles. I asked him for a small cone of Vanilla ice cream, but he said the machine wasn't working. I took it in stride and then asked for a small chocolate shake (as that is all my cholestrolly challenged body can take) and he replied that the machine had been closed for the night.

Not wanting to seem rude, and wishing to come away with some type of delicious treat, I perused the menu again, and settle for the small fries from the dollar menu, as I was also short on cash.

The host said sure, and then, in an un expected manner, waved off my payment. Yes, he signaled to me that I would not need to pay.
It seems that the unsavory behavior of the young hooligans, along with my gentle demeanor, and the fact that the restaurant was not able to fulfill my first two choices, led him to decide that I did not warrant a payment for my choice of treat.
I quietly sat down, and saw him fry up a new batch of fries, and in a matter of moments, he came to me with a bag of fries. I again offered to pay, but he refused.

I thanked him with my usual, "Thanks guy," and walked out of the restaurant.

And then when I was outside, and opening the bag to have my snack, I noticed that he gave me a large order of fries instead of the small size that I ordered!

In the spirit of carrying it on, I hope to do a good deed today. And to you, Sunday McDonalds worker at the American University McDonalds, my hat is off to you my kind sir, for doing a job well done.

Swedish meatballs

2010-09-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

I owe money to the Swedish mafia. Every time I take an international flight, I get harassed by Swedish stewardesses who refuse me service until I pay them back.